I am delighted to share with you a short piece that was accepted for publication by the Pitkin Review, a literary journal for Goddard College student work. Enjoy!
Your Table is Ready
Dear Dining Patron:
We are pleased that you chose to celebrate your recent anniversary/holiday/birthday are our establishment. In accordance with our policy to provide a more welcoming and inviting experience on return visits, we would like to offer the following apology and explanation of circumstances during your recent visit.
First of all, we are sorry that your server was morose. We realize this may have had a dampening effect on your occasion. While is it no concern of yours, we would like to explain that the server had just unfortunately broken up with one of our other employees, the sommelier, in fact. The breakup was not amicable, as you probably noticed when the server opened your bottle of champagne and then regrettably poured it over you rather than into your wine glasses, as should have been done. We apologize for the inconvenience and will, of course, pay for any dry cleaning charges which you may have incurred.
We are also sorry that the band did not play any recognizable numbers during the live set. While you could not have known this when you made the reservations, the band recently lost their record contract and they had decided to forsake their usual set, which we assure you covered a pre-approved list of standards and big-band classic tunes. Thus the discordant noise you heard during your meal. We took steps to suspend the live music once we realized the situation. However, the profane rhetoric which the lead singer lapsed into after we cut off the set was unintentional on the part of management, and we deeply apologize for any offense which it may have caused.
Finally, we deeply regret the damage that occurred to your automobile, which was parked in our valet parking location. The chief valet has resigned his post and will no longer be working for our company. We did not realize he was engaged in the underground graffiti movement, a so-called protest organization against capitalism and the free market, until he provided a manifesto of his organization, the Valets Against Luxury Vehicles (VALV). We greatly apologize for the diabolical political caricature that festoons your black BMW, which we believe is either Angela Merkel or George W. Bush – difficult to tell. Naturally we will cover the cost to restore your original paint job.
Regardless of the imposition of our staff and former staff on your celebration evening, we would like to assure you that we harbor high hopes that you will consent to return to our establishment for a repeat dining experience. Your satisfaction is our greatest concern. Please feel free to contact us if you have further questions or concerns.
Yours in fine dining,