Dining with a Flair

Champagne/Red Wine ToastDear Dining Patron:

We are pleased that you chose to celebrate your recent anniversary/holiday/birthday are our establishment.  In accordance with our policy to provide a more welcoming and inviting experience on return visits, we would like to offer the following apology and explanation of circumstances during your recent visit.

First of all, we are sorry that your server was morose.  We realize this may have had a dampening effect on your occasion.  Continue reading “Dining with a Flair”

Warranty Invalidation


Dear Tenant,

It recently came to our attention that you have unplugged the sky.  Unfortunately, this invalidates the warranty for the unit Earth you have leased.

Unplugging the sky causes power to cease to flow from the sun to the Earth, which may result in temporary or long-term damage to the Earth.  The sky is the primary transmitter for solar energy to the earth, and therefore the sky must remain plugged in at all times.

If this event has occurred by accidental means, please take steps to rectify it immediately.  If it is not rectified within 48 hours of initial unplugging, your tenancy on the planet Earth will be revoked.  This will result in eviction and forfeiture of your damage deposit.


The Galactic Management


Application for Time Traveler Tourist-Assistant Class

Backward Thinking

Dear Applicant,

This is to inform you your application for Time Traveler Tourist-Assistant Class is undergoing review.

You provided the following required documents:

  • personal birth certification
  • parents’ DNA
  • recommendation form from an individual with Time Traveler Guide-First Class credentials

The following required documentation has not yet been provided:

  • sponsorship form from a major corporate sponsor

As a reminder Time Traveler Tourist-Assistant Class are permitted time travel only within the individual’s lifetime.  Time Traveler Tourist-Assistant Class must be accompanied by a Time Traveler Guide-First Class with non-elapsed credentials.  Time Traveler Tourist-Assistant Class may only participate in the following activities:  observation and recording;  no communication verbal or written is permitted during time travel excursions.

Violation of the above regulations will result in termination of time travel privileges and memory back-dating to start of time travel.

Please notify us when you have submitted the completed documentation.  We look forward to your excursion with Time Travel Guides Inc.

Yours in time,

The Management


If we took a holiday


Dear Angela,

It was so generous of you to loan us your beach house in the San Juans. What a perfect setting for a family holiday over Labor Day!  The twins, Jon and Jesse loved body surfing in the waves and camping out on the beach.  There was that small incident with the campfire – bonfire, really – going slightly out of control.  The local fire department was so efficient!  If they hadn’t arrived so quickly, I’m sure that the damage would have gone beyond the front verandah of the house.  As it is, the smell of burnt wood is hardly noticeable from inside the house.

Amelia really enjoyed meeting new friends among the neighborhood teens.  We were astonished to discover the thriving music scene nearby.  Her enthusiasm was boundless – and I’m sure the police will dismiss that minor complaint by the neighbors on all three sides – the music didn’t go on until 3:00 am, only 2:30! and it can’t have been more than two nights in a row, not all week like they claimed.

Roger took up woodworking while we were here – what an inspiration your historic home has been!  The picturesque wood cornices along the eaves were a perfect way for him to practice his newly learned wood refinishing techniques.  There may be some small blemishes – you know how it is when learning a new skill – but they should blend in perfectly with the rest of the woodwork as soon as the sun and wind have a chance to weather the wood naturally.

Continue reading “If we took a holiday”


Flying saucersDear Human Parent Representative,

Recently we found a child sitting on the old merry-go-round device at the Minneapolis Food Giant on NW Arrow Place and 24th Street NW.  The child was about a meter tall, with dark hair in a ponytail, blue denim pants with “Hello Kitty” emblem on the right front, white tee-shirt with pink, green and black graphic on the front.

As you can see from the enclosed satellite image, the merry-go-round device contains six rideable objects.  We have identified the objects as a giraffe, a rabbit or hare, a carousel-type horse, and Disney Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger characters.  The sixth rideable object is unidentifiable by our experts, but our scientists have stated it may be described as a “green frog-Pinocchio with orange suit and black top hat.”  We apologize for any inaccuracy in this description, as the documentation from your culture is nonspecific for this object.

The child was sitting on the circular base of the merry-go-round, a  yellow metal disk platform to which the rideable objects were affixed.

Because the Food Giant is being liquidated, we found it necessary to remove the child from the site.  She is completely safe at a secure location.  However, the child has specific biological needs, such as food and water, love and human attention, which cannot be provided by the liquidation team.  Our supplies are limited and do not include human-compatible provisions.

The contract for liquidation of human-made structures on your planet does not provide for rescue of a child.  All personnel were to be evacuated from the planet prior to start of the liquidation period, one-half lunar month ago.  Our contract specified that no human personnel were to remain in occupation of the planet after the evacuation period, and penalties will be assessed for violating this clause of the contract.

As has been communicated comprehensively over all available broadcast media, including commercial networks, cell phone text messages, and the so-called “Internet,” liquidation of non-natural structures on the planet Earth is a critical first step in the reversal of carbon dioxide global warming for which we have been contracted.  Failure to comply with contract provisions will result in significant delays, and may jeopardize the successful completion of the project under contract.

Please contact us at your earliest convenience to claim the child for your species and to make arrangements for repatriation.  Be advised that the liquidation team is not responsible for costs or damages due to violations of the contract.

– Non-Terrestrial Team Alpha

Photo by Michelle Weber.